seeJesus Blog

I have a friend, Bob, whose wife Sue moved out their house a couple of years ago and bought a home in Florida. He visits her every couple of months. She initially treats him well, but usually by mid-week she has turned on him. She’ll commit to coming visit the children and grandchildren who live near Bob, but then at the last minute she’ll drop out.

 Bob wrote me, “Sunday we agreed to meet some friends for lunch, but when we got to the restaurant, she refused to go in and instead left leaving me there. I was in tearful distress, and I knew then that she was not coming with me by car on Monday.” 

“Then last night Sue made statements that sounded like a complete rejection of me. I remained calm, prayed and over the next hour or so inquired gently into what she really meant. When I told her I loved her, she said that she also loved me “a lot”. The rejection statements came out to mean she didn’t want to be viewed as my wife, and was rejecting all of those responsibilities. Too much to handle.  I assured her that I did not want to put burdens on her she couldn’t bear.” 

I wrote my friend back these observations:

 “Bob, some observations:

“1. Things have quieted into a kind of pattern with you and Sue. She’s glad to see you. You help her. Some honest dialogue. She says something awful. You are kind back. She commits to going somewhere and then backs out at last minute. I think this pattern has happened about 20 times.

“2. It isn’t an ideal pattern, but it is relatively stable. Something to be said for stable patterns. You know what to expect. It doesn’t throw you quite so much. It is like being a courtier of a crazy king. You learn to live with it.

“3. There is probably not a whole lot you can do to change the pattern. Other than what you are doing. Take Sue’s honesty seriously, learn from it, but don’t be captured by it. Speak honestly but selectively into her life.

“Basically, you are loving her where she is at. I don’t think there is much more you can do.

“I’m struck by how powerless pop-Christian spirituality and pop-Christian psychology is to deal with someone like Sue. That is, it has no wisdom or resources as to how to deal with a very difficult person other than distance. And Scripture is so rich for you Bob. This is your Passion. God wants to use Sue to draw you into the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus. He wants you to love someone who can give you little love in return. These are good things to go through and endure in, in our walk with Jesus.

“I’m reminded of what Boaz told Ruth when he first encountered her after he’d heard that she was living with a bitter old woman, “May the God of Israel, under whose wings you have taken refuge, bless your socks off!” A little bit of a paraphrase.”